No second chance SGA remix
by darkmoore05
Summary: An unexpected phonecall... post-Trinity McShepp Warnings: Angst, First person POV,


**Warnings:** Angst (no happy end this time, sorry)

**Summary: ** A unexpected phonecall … (post-Trinity)

**Author's Notes: ** This is the remix of a story I wrote ages ago for the CSI fandom. It had several lyric lines in it, one of which inspired the original fic. The title of the song was "No second chance". The fic has been expanded and changed to fit the SGA characters. Thanks go to my fabulous beta Cassandra! (capierson)

**Disclaimer****:** Not mine. No money made no harm intended, I do this just for fun.

I can't believe you really called – four years down the line. Didn't know you even were on Earth. But here I sit, hand on the telephone, hearing a voice I'd known a couple of light years ago, feeling like it was only yesterday I left you and Atlantis behind. After Doranda. After the worst mistake in my life.

You sound the same even after all this time. "How are you Rodney?" you ask and try to sound like nothing happened between us, but I can hear the longing in your voice. I'd like to think I'm the only one who will ever be able to read you like that, the only one to know how much you hide behind that mask of yours. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a genius, but everything with the fact that I was your lover, once.

"I'm fine John," I answer, even if 'fine' is a matter of definition. Better than when I left, but still worse than I whished I'd feel.

"What do you want, John?" I ask, unable to keep the tired resignation out of my voice and I can almost see you wince. I know you must be hurting about as badly as I do. We shouldn't have this conversation, should leave the past where it belongs and move on, should end this call while we can, both unharmed. A bit shaken maybe, but not much damage done. No, the damage is in the past now and I'd prefer if it stayed that way. I let you close once, and paid for it dearly. You always managed to get past my defences and under my skin.

"I miss you, Rodney," you say, honest as ever. "I want you to come home."

Atlantis. _Home_. You actually said it. And I lose all hope that this will be an easy conversation. But when is anything ever easy with John Sheppard? Easy doesn't seem to be part of your vocabulary. "My home is here now, John." I reply tiredly and silently wish I'd never picked up the phone. I have papers to correct and students to scare. And I've not won my Nobel yet, either. This is what my life is like now. No scary life-sucking aliens, no Replicators, no messy haired Colonels. I was doing alright, before you called. Why did you have to call now? Just when I thought I was finally getting over you. Why do you have to do this to me now? Why can't you just leave me be? It still hurts way too much, the thought of what I left behind. "It wasn't home for me in a long time," I insist stubbornly, hating that I can't even say out loud the name of the city I once loved so much it hurt.

"You know that's not true, Rodney," you insist. "Your home will always be with me. I need you with me. I miss you and you know it." There it is again, that tone I know all too well. That false bravado in your voice that never managed to fool me. You hesitate and when you take a deep breath, I get the feeling whatever you're going to say next will be painful on us both.

"I miss you Rodney, God, I miss you so much. You have to know that, right?" you say and your voice sounds tired and small, almost like this is not really what you want to say but you do it anyway. That's just so _you_. Never afraid to do what needs to be done.

Oh yes, of course I know it. I've always known you would miss me. I miss you as well you know, have missed you every single day I've been parted from you. But it won't change a thing, I won't change my mind, I will not go back. If I'd go back it would only happen again and I'm sure I can't live through another round of shunning and suspicion. I care now, John. You made me care. But I'm not gonna tell you that.

"Yes, I do." I finally admit. I was never good at lying to you, so why even bother? You gasp, hearing me say it must have been a shock. Unwilling to let you get your hopes up, I hastily add, "It doesn't change a thing though, John." At least I hope it doesn't. I've never been strong when it came to you and your wishes. You always got straight under my skin, no matter how hard I tried to shut you out. You could do it without even trying. Still can.

"I've made my decision John and I will not change my mind. I'm teaching and I like what I do. I can't come back to you, to…the city, or even the SGC. I simply can't. There's just been too much going on. Time does _not_ heal all wounds after all," I whisper and then hesitate, unsure of what to say, how to explain. "I couldn't do it any more, couldn't _take_ it any more, John. Before I knew you, people didn't matter to me. I didn't care if they liked me or not. I never really expected them to like me in the first place. Why would they? It's never happened before. I'm not a nice person, I'm rude and sarcastic. I make people cry. And I made a mistake. It was only a matter of time until I would fuck up, John. Elizabeth was right not to trust me any more. And even though you came 'round soon enough, I couldn't stay there any more, not even for you. It was too much, it would have killed me sooner or later." I desperately try to voice what I can't explain – the decision I made all those years ago. Against what we had, against you. Against Pegasus galaxy.

"Please don't say that Rodney," you whisper. Your voice is breaking and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I've never heard you beg – not outside the bedroom anyway. It's nothing I ever want to hear again. It just not you. You are the one in control, untouchable, proud, determined. John Sheppard doesn't beg, he just doesn't.

"The day you left," you begin again, but then hesitate, your voice sounding like you're lost in thought now, "something inside me died that day, Rodney. And I need you to come fix me, make me whole again. I can't live like that any more, Rodney."

Then, silence. I wait. I can't find the words to tell you no. My throat hurts and my eyes sting. I squeeze them shut, stubbornly refusing to cry. I've not cried since I was fourteen and I had sworn to myself I never would again. But you're tearing down all my protective walls with a few well chosen words. You're the only one who could ever that to me. You're the only one I ever let that close.

"I want back what we had," I finally hear you say and I close my eyes tighter to stop the tears that threaten to escape. "I want it back just like it used to be. I want our life back – the way it was when you still were in love with me."

Your words almost do me in. Images from the time I spent in your arms, in your bed threaten to overwhelm me, leaving an aching in my chest. _I never_ stopped _loving you_, I want to say, but bite my tongue and keep silent. I've never lied to you, and I'm not gonna start now, so I opt for saying the next best thing – the truth, just not all of it.

"You can't have that back, John. I'm just not strong enough," I reply, swallowing around the lump in my throat and hating how choked my voice sounds.

"But you are strong, Rodney," you insist, sounding like you found something to argue with. "You are the strongest person I know. You can do everything you set your mind to. You were the one to save our asses on the last possible minute time and time again. You're a genius, a scientist and over time you turned into at least as good a soldier as any of my Marines. Please, Rodney, give us, give _me_ another chance. We all miss you and want you to come back. I know you're scared that something like after Doranda can happen again, but I'm sure it won't. All you need to do is find the courage to take the chance, I know you can do it, you can face your demons, you can come back to me. The place is just like you left it, you know. We even have a new lab or two. All I'm asking for is a second chance."

You sound desperate now, rambling, talking faster and more than I've ever heard you talking. The speech you just gave unnaturally wordy and emotional for you. You're laying yourself bare, letting me _see_ you, making yourself vulnerable. You're about to kill me with this, I know it.

I sob, unable to get the image of Atlantis and the quarters we shared for a few stolen moments in the middle of the night, out of my head. "I can't, John," I repeat but I sound pathetic. I can't help it. I just can't go back to my old life. I know, having to face them all again, eventually _failing_ them all again will be my death. I'd rather stay here and be miserable than go through that ever again.

"Please don't try to make me," I plead and then add, determined, "I wish I could give you a second chance, John. I swear, I'd love nothing more than to come back, but… I can't. I'm only human and I'm going to mess up again, get people killed again. I can't live like that any more. Please, I beg you, please don't ask that of me. It's too late, John."

A long silence fallows my statement and I almost expect you to hang up on me without a goodbye. I'd certainly deserve it for hurting you like this. Finally, after what seems like eternity you say, "I'll of course accept your decision, Rodney. If that's how you want to play it. I understand that we hurt you, that _I_ hurt you. You're living by your own rules now, guess that makes sense." Your voice is controlled and calm. Polite even. Bare of emotion. Dead.

"It does for me, John." I say and feel the need to add, "I'm sorry John, but I warned you it would end badly, remember?" I've been right again, but that's cold comfort. I desperately wish, this time I'd been wrong.

"Yes, I do," you answer, and your voice still holds no emotion at all as you quote my words from what feels like it was another life. "'I'm not good at this relationship stuff, John. You're falling for the wrong man.'"

I swallow. Precise as ever. Wouldn't expect anything less from someone like John Sheppard. Math wasn't the only thing you were good at. I'd bet you didn't forget a single word I said to you. Must be hard to have a memory like that, because sometimes it's a blessing to forget. Not that I am any better at forgetting than you are. So, you see, I share your pain. Maybe if we hadn't been lovers, if you hadn't managed get so deep under my skin…

Your silent "Goodbye, Rodney" pulls me out of my thoughts and then there is a 'click' – and you are gone.


End file.
